Confidence, Comparison, and Finding Our Worth in Christ

Healing Through Our Daughters

The other day my husband asked me a simple question that caught me completely off guard.

"When did you realize you lacked confidence?"

At first I wasn't sure how to answer. I had never really thought about confidence as something I either had or didn't have. But the more I sat with the question the more one specific season came to mind.

Middle school.

That was probably the first time I became aware of where I stood in comparison to everyone around me.

Up until that point I had simply been myself. I wasn't analyzing where I ranked. I wasn't measuring my worth against anyone else's. I was just a kid trying to navigate life.

Then something shifted.

I started noticing the girls who seemed smarter than me. The girls who made better grades. The girls who appeared more talented, more confident, or more naturally gifted. Without realizing it I slowly began comparing myself to the people around me. The more I compared, the more I focused on what I lacked instead of what I had been given.

What began as innocent comparison slowly became the way I measured my value.

The problem with comparison is that there is always someone who appears to be doing something better. There is always another person who seems more accomplished, more successful, or more confident. When we use other people as the measuring stick for our worth we end up living our lives feeling like we are somehow behind.

Looking back now I can see how much of my confidence journey was really a journey toward understanding my identity.

It took years for me to recognize that my worth was never supposed to come from achievements, approval, accomplishments, or comparison. It took years to understand that confidence isn't believing you're better than someone else. It's knowing who you are and being secure in how God created you.

Now I find myself having conversations with my daughters that sound very different from the conversations I had with myself growing up.

I watch them navigate friendships, activities, school, social media, and all the pressures that come with growing up in today's world. As I watch them I find myself wanting them to understand something much earlier than I did.

I want them to know they do not need validation from the world because they have already been validated by Christ.

Their worth was established long before they earned a grade, won an award, made a team, or received approval from anyone else. Their value was determined the moment God created them.

I remind them often that God did not accidentally leave out gifts when He made them. He did not create them to become copies of someone else. He gave each of them unique strengths, unique personalities, unique gifts, and a unique purpose.

When I look at my daughters I see how beautifully different they all are. Each one shines in her own way. Each one carries strengths the others don't have. Each one brings something unique into the world that only she can bring.

And somewhere along the way I realized those truths apply to me too.

As I teach my daughters not to compare themselves to others I find myself letting go of comparison as well. As I remind them of their worth I remember my own. As I encourage them to embrace who God created them to be I find myself doing the same.

Motherhood has taught me many things but one of the most unexpected lessons has been this: sometimes God uses our children to heal parts of us that we didn't even realize were still hurting.

The conversations I have with my daughters are often conversations my younger self needed to hear.

The encouragement I give them is often encouragement my own heart still needs.

The truth I speak over them becomes truth that heals me too.

Maybe that's one of God's gifts in motherhood. While we are busy raising our children He is still gently raising us.

He is healing old wounds. Rewriting old narratives. Replacing comparison with confidence. Replacing insecurity with identity. Replacing the need for validation with the truth of who we are in Him.

And every time I look at my girls I am reminded of something I hope they carry with them for the rest of their lives:

You do not have to become someone else to be worthy.

You already are.

Because your value does not come from what you achieve. It comes from the God who created you and calls you His own.

What about you? When was the first time you remember comparing yourself to others?

I'd love to continue this conversation with you. Find me on Instagram @mandi.saint.